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Greetings!
November
11, 2010
Hi
everyone,
Everyone
seems to be getting lessons in dealing with people who seem to
not only disregard their needs but who do the exact opposite.
What do you do with someone who appears to deliberately oppose
your wishes, stand in your way and block your efforts? Their
behavior is not OK and they force you into a corner. Do you come
out fighting or walk away? And how do you decide what is not OK
and what to do after that?
Any time
we are faced with a situation where someone is not giving us
what we want the answer to all of our questions lies within us.
That person has so much wonderful, enlightening information for
us that we can understand once we move away from the 'this is
not OK' position. Sure, their behavior may be wrong but why did
we choose that experience with them and what do we have to learn
from it?
I have
found, in many years of giving spiritual counseling, that our
lessons in power are always presented in ways that make us feel
powerless. What we do in that moment determines whether our next
step is reconnecting to our power or holding our ground and
demanding that the other person do what we want them to do.
While we would like to have a more moderate outcome, where we
get out needs met and the other person sees the value in that,
it isn't always possible. And the longer we stay in that
situation the more challenging it is for us. Our showdown then
becomes a standoff, then we are standing still, further
entrenched in our demands and blind to any other outcome.
While we
may think that the other person is just being stubborn, they are
giving us valuable information and the first question we can ask
is why we are making that particular demand of them. And there
is part of our answer because we generally choose the person who
will not or cannot give us what we want (remember the lessons in
power). Here's an example:
A client
had been abandoned by her mother at an early age and raised by
her kind and loving father. But all of her life she wanted to
reconnect with her mother and give her an opportunity to be the
mother she wanted her to be (and thought she could be). She
thought that if she opened her heart, her mother would apologize
for a leaving her and give her the love she wanted. So she
pursued her mother, who continued to disappoint her. No matter
what she did, she never got what she wanted from her. And the
mother took advantage of her daughter's kindness and generosity
and used them to manipulate her. When the mother was dying she
turned to her daughter for comfort and support, which she
willingly gave, thinking that this would be their time to
reconnect. But that didn't happen and the mother died.
The
daughter still grieves her mother and her inability to reconnect
with her. She doesn't see anything wrong with how she was taken
advantage of by her mother and moreover, regrets that she
couldn't do more for her. But the really destructive part of
this is that even though she was raised by a loving father, has
a loving family and a happy home life, she spends time every day
feeling that she did not have enough time with her mother
because if she did, she could have changed her and gotten the
love she wanted.
When we
got to the core of this issue, which was for her to learn to
value herself, she had to acknowledge that she was asking
something of her mother that she would never receive from her,
even though her behavior was not OK. Her mother did not have the
ability to give her what she wanted and was never going to do
that . The lesson in power was to acknowledge that her mother
chose her actions in spite of her daughter, not because of her,
and that nothing she did was ever going to change that. What was
her lesson in this?
By
grieving this situation she was ignoring the wonderful things
that she had in her life, which included everything she had
always wanted, a loving husband, beautiful children, a nice
home, many friends and the support of her community. Were they
less valuable to her because they didn't come from her mother?
Was she so firmly in her standoff position that just because her
mother did not give her what she wanted, she could not see the
value in the blessings she had in her life? And when I asked her
'does it really matter where it comes from' she realized that
she had discounted all of the good in her life because she had
not gotten what she wanted from her mother.
When
someone's behavior is not OK, and it often is not, we do one of
two things:
·
Have a showdown where we demand they meet our needs and give
them many opportunities to do that or
·
We have a standoff and become a victim, making ourselves
miserable so they can see how much we need their love or
sabotaging ourselves because they won't meet our needs.
Then we
have several options:
·
To accept them as they are and decide whether we want them in
our life or disconnect
·
To become a victim in this story and martyr ourselves so they
will give us what we want
·
To refuse to accept their behavior and sabotage ourselves
because we feel so powerless
·
To understand the lesson in power and learn from it so we can be
free of it.
Without
understanding the lesson, our showdown becomes a standoff and
then we are standing still. Eventually we will learn that we
cannot force anyone into giving us what we want because if they
are not already giving it to us, they do not have it to give in
this moment. Everyone gives from what they have and they usually
give all they have. There is no hidden reservoir that they can
draw from, what they are giving you is the limit to what they
have for you. And sometimes (often) this is a karmic cycle that
you have with them and within the specific energetic vibrations
of your relationship, they may treat you differently than
others. They may not be nice to you but be sugary sweet to
everyone else. You can feel victimized or mistreated or you can
ask what you need to learn from them so you can engage in more
fulfilling, self affirming relationships.
Whose
behavior is not OK with you and are you going to choose between
a showdown, standoff or learn acceptance so you can walk away?
These are your choices in these difficult situations and they
are such a powerful learning tool for you. As you look at that
person, remember they are giving you all they have to give to
you and then choose what you will do to give yourself the
gifts of love, fulfillment, joy, peace and abundance.
In these
interesting and transformational times, we can be overwhelmed by
what is happening in our lives but there are always other
solutions. Here are a few things to help you get through the
difficult moments in your life:
Stay
calm, focused, detached and aware and remember your thoughts are
creating every moment of your life. Think the best ones.
As you ponder this and the other things that are happening at
this time remember to:
Accept all gifts of understanding with gratitude and use them to
apply forgiveness, release and healing to every situation.
Ask for guidance and confirmation and then wait for it to come
to you.
Above all, be grateful for this opportunity to be part of
humanity's amazing shift in consciousness as we all ascend into
the miracle vibration.
Many blessings in these miraculous and amazing times,
Jennifer Hoffman
www.urielheals.com
www.enlighteninglife.com
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